Silencing your Inner Critic
5 Ways to Reduce Self-Judgment and Improve Your Sense of Self-Worth
Do any of the following sound familiar?
You have unrealistic expectations of yourself.
You put yourself down often or even call yourself names (e.g. “I’m so stupid,” “I am a bad mom”).
You have difficulty believing in yourself or doubt your abilities (e.g. “I cannot start this business. I don’t have what it takes.”)
You focus your attention on times that you have failed or made a mistake.
You judge yourself harshly when you act in ways that go against your values (e.g. raising your voice at your kids, not responding to a loved one’s text, cancelling plans, etc.).
You feel guilty when you take care of your own needs or prioritize your self-care.
You cannot accept compliments and believe others are “just being nice.”
If so, here are 5 ways to banish the inner critic and start feeling confident in your self-worth.
Bring awareness to judgmental thoughts and their impact on you
We cannot change something unless we are aware that it is happening. Without awareness, we act on habit. Some of us have formed a habit of treating ourselves with harsh criticism. Maybe you modeled this from your own parent being critical of themselves in front of you, maybe someone in your life was very critical of you, or maybe you had a natural tendency to expect perfection from yourself. Regardless, self-judgment has become a habit in your life and is negatively impacting you.
Awareness allows for us to choose our response rather than acting on habits. Start catching your inner critic, even if you pinpoint these thoughts after the event is over. The more we identify and label a thought as judgmental and unhelpful, the less likely it will continue in the future. Awareness, in and of itself, can reduce the power your inner critic has over you.
Start keeping track of the judgmental and critical thoughts. You may want to make a list in your phone or jot down the thoughts in a journal. You will likely notice common events that trigger your inner critic to come out and themes around the type of self-judgment you engage in. Notice, also, how you feel and act when the inner critic is present.
For example, if a mother raises her voice at her child, the inner critic may begin to say, “I am are a horrible mom. I have ruined my child” and this may lead to immense guilt and shame.
Is this helpful?
Does this encourage you to make changes in ways that feel good?
Act curious and identify the impact the critic has on you.
Maybe instead your inner critic arises before a job interview. It begins to say, “You cannot do this job. You do not have enough experience or skills. Why even try if you know you are going to fail?” You notice feelings of discouragement and decide not to attend the interview. As a result, you would likely feel even less capable in the future.
Recognize facts versus thoughts and feelings
One way to eliminate the power of the inner critic is to label the thought as “just a thought.” This simple change makes a huge impact on how strongly we feel about something. Add the statement, “I am having the thought that…” in front of the critical thought.
“I am having the thought that I am a bad employee” is not the same as “I am a bad employee.” The latter suggests that the thought is a fact. Thoughts and feelings are not facts.
Another way to look for facts is to identify information that goes against your inner critic.
If the critic is suggesting that you “always fail,” start listing times in which you have succeeded.
If it is telling you that you are “a bad friend,” acknowledge times you have acted in ways that make you a valuable friend.
Here, we need to make a purposefully effort to focus our attention on evidence that goes against the inner critic.
Because all humans have a tendency to focus their attention on things that CONFIRM their beliefs, you will need to form new habits of focusing your attention to things that do NOT confirm your inner critic’s beliefs.
Start searching for facts and evidence rather than relying on your opinion or perception of something.
Begin to notice if you are thinking in terms of black and white or “all or nothing,” and find the gray area.
Sometimes we fail and sometimes we succeed. This does not make you a complete failure.
Sometimes we act in ways that make as a good partner and sometimes we do not. This does not make you a completely bad partner.
These gray areas are important information that our critic does not take in to account. If we begin to acknowledge the gray area, we open the opportunity for challenging our inner critic.
Lastly, catch “should” statements, as these statements put harsh unrealistic expectations on you.
“I should be there for everything my child does”
“I should not be on my phone so much”
“I should be eating healthier”
All of these thoughts result in guilt and shame when we do not act in these ways ALL OF THE TIME. This is not a fair expectation.
Try changing “should” to “I would like it if…” Be kind and fair to yourself. Keep in mind realistic expectations. Acknowledge that we are all imperfect as humans.
“I would like it if I was able to attend all of my kids’ events. I attend the ones that I can, but I am not capable of attending all of them and that is okay.”
“I would like to spend less time on my phone. I can work on making limits for myself within reason.”
Act opposite to what your critic wants you to do
Another important way to silence the inner critic is to do the opposite of what it wants you to do.
The first step is to identify what the inner critic tries to convince you to do. Does it want you to avoid applying for that promotion, hide in shame from others after you make a mistake, avoid forming new relationships, or give up on something that was important to you?
When we do what the critic wants us to do, we unintentionally feed the critic, making it more convincing. Do not give your inner critic the power to choose what you do.
Do the opposite of what it is trying to convince you to do. If it tells you that you are not good enough to apply for the promotion, apply for the promotion.
Sometimes we will act opposite to the critic and we will fail. Here, we need to practice self-compassion, which I will discuss further below. Just because it does not turn out the way we want, does NOT mean your critic was right. Be careful not to give it that power.
Practice self-compassion
Have you noticed that you are compassionate, understanding, and kind to others when they suffer, fail, or struggle, but you are harsh and critical of yourself when you suffer, fail, or struggle? Do you feel overwhelmed by your emotions or discount your own feelings? If so, this may mean you are struggling with self-compassion.
Implementing self-compassion is known to improve overall well-being, reduce anxiety and depression, improve relationships, and foster self-esteem or a sense of self-worth.
Here are some ways you can begin to implement self-compassion:
Treat yourself with kindness instead of harsh judgment and criticism. Ask yourself if you are treating yourself in the same way you would a loved one.
Start encouraging yourself when you fail instead of judging yourself. Motivating yourself with kindness is much more effective in seeing change or improvement.
Recognize that your big emotions make sense given your current circumstances and allow yourself to experience uncomfortable emotions safely. Find ways you can self-soothe, such as a walk or a bath. This shows kindness to yourself through behavior. Self-compassion combines changes in how you speak to yourself with changes in how you act when you are faced with challenges or painful experiences.
Acknowledge and accept that you are human and that perfection is not a reality. Speak to yourself with a realistic and helpful approach.
Do not listen to your inner critic or give it power to control your life. You may not be able to stop the critic from arising in the first place, but you do have the choice to listen to it or not!
Prioritize the things that are most important to you. Set limits and boundaries as needed to protect yourself.
Engage in mindfulness
Attempt to bring your attention to the present moment. Notice the inner critic is present and just acknowledge it, without agreeing or listening to it. Try not to judge yourself for the presence of the critic. Just notice.
Turn your attention to your senses in this moment. Notice what you see, feel, hear, smell, or taste.
Fully engage in the task at hand. If you are taking a shower, notice the temperature of the water or the smell of your shampoo. If you are cooking a meal, notice the aroma or variety in texture and taste. If you are walking, notice the movement of your body, the sound of nature, or the various plants around you.
You can also be mindful even during challenging moments. It is actually important to do so. Label your emotions and your body’s reaction to that emotion without becoming overwhelmed by them. For example, “I am feeling angry and overwhelmed, my shoulders are tense, I feel warm, and my heart is racing a bit faster. This is uncomfortable but all emotions are okay.” You can acknowledge that an emotion is uncomfortable and comfort yourself through this.
The inner critic does not have to determine your self-worth or the way your life will turn out. Begin to silence the critic by acknowledging it is present, focusing your attention on facts instead of opinions, acting opposite to what the critic wants, practicing self-compassion, and implementing mindfulness throughout your day. You will likely notice peace, comfort, self-acceptance, and increased self-worth!
Sometimes, the inner critic is so convincing that we need some support in managing it. Visit my website below for more information on individual therapy to get assistance with silencing your inner critic.
