4 Steps to Practicing Self-Validation
How to Break the Habit of Self-Invalidation and Self-Criticism
What is self-validation?
Self-validation is the act of recognizing, acknowledging, understanding, accepting, and showing compassion for one’s own experience. This may include various experiences, such as emotions, physical reactions, thoughts, and perceptions.
How is self-validation helpful?
It is known that the act of validating our experience, in and of itself, can bring the intensity of emotion down.
When we are in a state of high emotion, it is difficult to think clearly, problem solve, or reason. Bringing the intensity of emotion down, allows us the opportunity to think more clearly about other helpful coping skills we can utilize in that moment.
Self-validation may also increase our sense of empowerment and improve our confidence in managing strong emotions.
The trap of invalidation:
Intense emotions are uncomfortable! During these moments, you may get stuck in a cycle of self-judgement and self-criticism. You may think, “something’s wrong with me for feeling this way!” You may begin to minimize your experience by saying, “It’s not that big of a deal. Why do I feel so upset?”
Is it helpful to engage in self-judgment, criticism, and minimization of your experience? Does this get you closer to your goal?
Does pushing away your emotional experience actually make it go away?
Well…
Imagine if your loved one was sad or overwhelmed and you responded by saying, “something’s wrong with you. It’s not that big of a deal. Why are you so upset?” Would this be helpful for them? How might they feel or respond? Similarly, if someone responded to your distress by saying, “Calm down,” “It’s not that bad,” “It could be worse,” or even “Just think positively,” would that help you?
Absolutely not! These invalidating responses often intensify emotion and even ADD additional emotions such as anger, loneliness, or shame. Even subtle invalidation is unhelpful. The intention may be good, but more often than not, it does not reduce intense emotion.
4 steps to begin practicing self-validation:
Step 1. Notice and acknowledge your experience
We cannot validate an experience that we are not aware of. In this step, we are increasing our ability to identify and label an emotion, physical sensation, urge, or thought. We want to improve our ability to notice when emotions rise, identify how our bodies are reacting to this experience, and become aware of any urges for ways to react (e.g. shut down, isolate, lash out). It’s important to remember that during this step we are sticking to the FACTS! We are not judging our experience as good or bad, nor judging ourselves as good or bad for having our experience.
Here are examples of step 1:
Right now, I’m feeling angry about…
I’m noticing intense anxiety and worry.
I’m feeling overwhelmed by this situation.
I’m having the urge to isolate from others.
I’m aware of tension in my shoulders and jaw.
Step 2. Allow and Accept the Experience
In this step, we are welcoming all experiences, even really uncomfortable experiences. This does NOT mean that we have to like the experience. This is simply acknowledging that we are having the experience in this moment. This experience will NOT last forever. It is physiologically impossible to feel one emotion forever. Also, it is a myth that the emotion will be prolonged if we allow it to be present! It is often the opposite: when we make room for an emotion, it tends to reduce more quickly. In acceptance and commitment therapy, they often use the example of pushing a beach ball under water. What will eventually happen to the beach ball? It will pop up with force. Similarly, when we push emotions “under the water” they eventually pop up with more intensity. It is also a myth that allowing the emotion to be present means we are giving in to the emotion. We can accept a current emotional experience and also practice coping well in that moment.
Examples of step 2:
It’s okay to feel this way in this moment.
I have the right to feel all emotions.
This emotion is uncomfortable, but it won’t hurt me. I’ll let this come and go!
I can have this emotion and still cope well.
Step 3. Normalize
Here, we want to remember that we are human beings, and human beings experience a variety of emotions and thoughts. All humans experience failure and success, challenges and progression, as well as sadness and joy. Sometimes, we get stuck believing something is wrong with us or that we are the only ones who fail or suffer. This is not the reality, and acknowledging and normalizing the reality of these varying experiences we have is part of validating our current experience.
Here are examples of step 3:
Everyone struggles at times.
Most people would feel angry about this.
I’m human. I’m going to experience a variety of emotions!
We all fail or experience challenges at times.
Step 4. Show Understanding and Compassion for One’s Self
Self-compassion is a vital skill in managing emotions. Here, we show kindness, understanding, and care for ourselves when we are struggling or suffering.
Self-compassion includes a statement of understanding, regardless of why and how we began to feel distressed. It also includes the ability to safely let yourself experience an emotion. You may ask yourself, “What do I need right now to get through this wave of emotion? How can I care for myself through this moment?”
You may be someone who finds it easy to show compassion for others, but struggles immensely to do so for yourself. If showing compassion for yourself feels foreign, you may find it helpful to begin by speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a loved one or best friend.
Examples of Step 4.
It makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything going on in my life.
I can understand why I’m anxious about this situation.
This experience is uncomfortable, but understandable given the circumstances.
I do not know why I am having this experience, but I can care for myself through this moment.
Self-validation may be very challenging, especially if you grew up in an environment that invalidated and minimized your feelings and thoughts. It will also be challenging if you have a tendency to expect perfection from yourself. With consistent practice, you are likely to begin noticing an improvement and a change in your current habitual reaction to emotions. Acknowledging when we criticize or minimize our own experience without judging ourselves for this habit will be important. Then, follow these steps to form a new habit of self-validation: Notice, Allow, Normalize, and Understand.
Adapted from evidenced-based treatments, such as DBT, ACT, and CBT.
